What the Bleeping Hell?
by xThe-Unkwnx
Summary: This a knee slapping, hilarious, insane story that will tickle your funny bone. When Raven is captured, what else could possibly go wrong...or right?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **My friend, esplin9466V3, and I created this from one to many late night conversations and not enough alcohol. So I advise to you there is _a lot _of insanity. But alas, enjoy the sick minds of two out of the ordinary sixteen year olds.

Chapter Uno--

Slade was sexually inactive. That was his life.

-xXx

"Ah!" Beast Boy spat, "how come I can never beat you! In the ass that is of course." Cyborg's eyes widened at the comment.

"Leave my tin can alone, you green excuse for straight!"  
"Can I get you a drink my dear, Robin?" Starfire asked, her voice slightly timid.

"Yeah, of _you know what_." Starfire squealed at the offer. "I'll go ge—" Robin slapped her across the face.

"NOT THAT!" he bellowed.

"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA!" Robin became wide-eyed and Cyborg dropped the controller in-between the awkward silence. Beast Boy, however, was oddly excited by the news. Raven was in the opposite end of the tower, and heard a calling from Star. Her eyes snapped open and she cut her spell short. Instead of the spell working, it was cut mid way, and it ended up being a spell to see who your true love was. The result being, whoever you love, their pants fell.

(Off set, Slade's pants fall)

"Hey look. The red light." Robin said, staring at the flashing light with his mouth agape.

"Who cares? Some stupid person is raping some stupid person. Who cares?" Beast Boy replied, unenthused.

"No, this time it's Slade. Titan's HOP!" Raven flew out of the 'O' shaped Tower of the Titans. 'O' stood for not straight. Don't ask.

Raven flew here, there, anywhere. Like a Dr. Seuss book. It doesn't matter what happened, I don't want to write it. All you have to know is that they tried fighting, aaaaaaaand Slade took Raven. Yeah. He threw white stuff on her face that was sticky. She couldn't breathe and was taken.

So she stood there, blindfolded, suffocating to death.

"Gimme your communicator."

"ehs en uh ehlt"

Slade stared at her, wide-eyed. "I have no fucking clue what the hell you just said. This'll be easier: Groping." Raven inwardly groaned, as Slade took the goop off her mouth, and waited for the groping hands, but they never came.

"Umm…I thought you were gonna grope me."

"_You!_ Oh crap…your right…I'm supposed to be groping you…not me." Raven rolls her eyes at her colleague and walked off the set disturbed.

"Hey! Where are you going!" Slade called after her.

"Nature calls, pervert," Raven said in pure monotone.

-xXx Intermission xXx-

Robin heard a beeping sound. "Hey look guys! Raven walked off set! I guess it means that this is the time when Ravens taken by Slade. Flip out!" Star, Beast Boy and Cyborg looked at him like he was insane. "Flip out! Raven's gone!"

"Oh!" Star started screaming, running in circles, Beast Boy lay down, crying, and Cyborg shut down.

-xXx

"Where could she be?" Beast Boy asked, quite frightened that Raven might be in danger. Cyborg pulled up the last couple arousing in the city. "Last time we saw her she went to go find out what was wrong with spot number three," he began figuring out where she could be, "she was last heard at the whorehouse then. By why did she permanently disconnect her communicator?"

"Slade…," Robin said under his breath.

"But what would Slade want with Raven?" asked Starfire with innocence and confusion.

"I don't know. But whatever he's planning, we're going to have to save Raven," Robin said, voice stern.

"Jeeze, I mean don't you think she's getting in trouble _a lot_ lately. I mean, first the "end of the world", and now she just got captured by our most hated villain," Beast Boy said, comically.

"I think she has a knack for it, getting into trouble. Maybe she's getting on the adventurous side?" Cyborg said with a smirk.

"Enough with the jokes, we need to go find her. Titans, to the whorehouse!" Robin called to the team, and they were out the door and on their way in seconds.

Beast Boy piped up, " Yeah! Let's go get some action!"

xXx

Slade, and all of his sexiness, went into the kitchen to "cook" up some food for the captive.  
"Heh," he smirked, "this should do it!" He laughed, and then punched himself. He then took the platter of grub down to the basement and placed it in front of her. "Eat."  
"Eat what?"  
"Eat _this_."  
"Eat what?"  
"Eat _this_."  
"Eat what?"  
"Eat _this_."  
"Eat what?"  
"Eat _this_."  
"Well, what is it?"  
"IT'S _THIS! _How many times do you want me tit, I mean….to…to say it!" Slade furiously yelled.  
"I want you so bad." Raven seductively stated.  
"What!"   
"Psych!"

xXx

The remainder of the Titan's searched the whorehouse area top to bottom, but to their disliking, the whorehouse was deserted, and had been for what looked like a few hours now. No witnesses to cross-examine, nobody to point them in the right direction…literally.   
Cyborg looked around. "Of all days to be deserted."   
"Sucks." Robin glowered.  
"I know…now can't get my erection down," Star said.  
"What do you mean!' Robin said. "First you have no vagina apparently. And now you have…I'm lost!"

'_Oh that's why she wouldn't let me touch her last night!' Robin inwardly thought. _

"On Tamaran, and in every other planet, we have the opposite of your reproductive system. My self, a few others, including Superman are from other planets. To us, your reproductive systems are switched. In Tamaran, girls have what you calls penis…and boys what you call…hole?"  
"WHAT THE HELL! YOU MEAN I CAN"T FUCK YOU! Of all people to want…has to be the one with a dick…"   
"Sorry bud," Beast Boy said. "Your misfortune…my pleasure. I've got Raven. Haha."

xXx

Slade stood in the bathroom. He punched something earlier in the real story…I don't know why…but I'm too lazy to figure it out. So there's glass in his hand.  
"Oww! Why does this hurt so much! It's like I'm pulling my hand...not the glass!'" Slade looked down and saw just the glass…no hand. "Crap...I was."  
Raven called out. "Slade! Me gots to pee-pee!" She turned to the audience and said, 'Improv!"  
"Piss your pants bitch."  
Raven got up and walked straight into the bathroom. She sat down on the toilet and peed.

"Umm..what are you doing?" 

"Stop looking! You'll see it later! Remember the script!"

"Oh yea. Sorry."

"Why does my butt feel wet?" Raven inquired with a confused look plastered on her young face.

"You…. pissed…your pants," Slade embarrassedly stated.

"I'm on the toilet! Your confoosing me!"

"You need to pull your pants down. Duh."

"Nuh uh!" Raven cried childishly.

"Fine. Whatever. We're all entitled to our opinions but…mine's just better."

"How is peeing in just the toilet better?"

Slade stared…turned and walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here is chapter deux. .

Robin slept badly in his bed. He thought a lot. But that's nothing new, eh?

-xXx

Slade stayed awake in his bed. He thought a lot. But that's nothing new, eh?

_'Make her respect your authority; make her plea for her life. Don't take off that power restraining mask. Let her suffer,' _his conscience suggested.

"Who's that?"

'_Your conscience.'_

"My what?"  
_'Con…science. ARE YOU DEAF! In fact, you don't even have to be deaf in order to hear me!' _

"With science?"

-.- '_Of course…I am a professor of Stoichiometry.'_

"What the bleeping hell?"

_'My point exactly.' _

"What the bleeping hell?" Slade restated.

_'Oh shut up you little faggot.' _

"I am **not **gay!"

'_I never said that,' his conscience pompously rebutted._

"mmHmm."

'_Anyways….'_

"Yes, I KNOW! I will make her see the man behind the mask!" Slade gleefully shouted.

_'NO! Oh…wait. That wasn't my line. Wait. I think we just screwed up this entire fricken scene.'_

"You finally figured that one out?"

'_And I'm the stupid one?'_

"YEAH. YOU ARE."

-xXx

Raven slept badly in her bed. She thought a lot. But that's nothing new, eh?

"Breakfast!" Slade squealed.

"WAH!" Raven was startled by the unwelcome intruder and threw her teddy bear at his face.

"Hey!"

"Go away before I rip your body in half with my black magic," Raven threatened in monotone.

"I can't diii…."

"What?" Slade slapped a hand over his mouth. "What did you say?"

"Nothing, my dear. Just a…a nothing. . "

"Go away," Raven groaned.

"No. Breakfast equals _now_."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why! The script says so, that's _why_!" Slade roared.

"Well, tell the screenwriter to add in an extra hour of sleep."

-.-

-xXx

Robin punched his fist into the punching bag, and screamed like the little weakling he was.

"Gah! Why is this…bag…so heavy!"

"Because you are strong!" Starfire triumphantly sang.

"Go away. I can't look at you, without looking…there." Starfire's expression saddened.

"I am sorry good friend, but it is the way of Tamaran."

"Yeah, yeah. That's what they all said. Anyways, I wonder where Raven and Slade are?" Robin asked.

"Is that them…over there?"

"Where?"

"On that set," Starfire said, pointing to the farthest set in the studio.

"Woah…what are they—"

"Oh the joys o—" Robin slapped a hand over Starfire's mouth, so the words came out muffled behind his hand.

"Why are you still watching!" Robin gasped, dragging Starfire along with him.

-xXx

"When I said for you to make me love you, I didn't mean actually mean "making love"," Raven pointed out, putting her uniform on.

"I figured we should have a good practice round before we actually film it," Slade explained, lying on the bed, the sheets still covering his naked body.

"What! Film it!" Raven gasped, almost loosing her balance.

"EW, God NO. I meant for the movie. Did you even read the script?"

"Not really. Besides, a little adlib and insanity never hurt anyone, right?" Raven sighed innocently.

"Right..."

-xXx

"Ooooh...what's _this_?" Beast Boy asked in wonder.

"An alcoholic beverage I presume," Cyborg shrugged.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Let me try!" Cyborg snatched the bottle.

"_Fuck _no! You already act drunk."

"Well, I aren't drunk."

"Let's keep it that way, string bean."

"Give it to me, metal mouth!" Cyborg threw Beast Boy a pathetic look.

"Nice try, tofu case, but in case you haven't noticed, my mouth isn't metal!" Cyborg said, popping open the beer bottle and taking a large swing.

"Hey!" Beast Boy whined.

"Better in me than you," Cyborg said with a righteous smile. Seconds later he began to shut on and off in a relentless pattern, and then it stopped and the room went silent. Beast Boy poked his friend, and Cyborg violently jerked and started running around screaming.

"BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! Insert intake of breath here BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! "

Beast Boy grabbed the bottle from Cyborg and read the little piece of paper that was tapped on to it.

"'Please do not drink BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH! this is for Raven. _RAVEN!_ " Cyborg stopped his "BOOYAH!" calling and touched back down to earth.

"Woah...fuck that stuff is strong," Cyborg stated holding his head in his hands, "so strong I just feel like kissing someone."

"ME!" Beast Boy partially joked.

"Heh. Nice one, yah bucket of bad tofu. I'm going back to my trailer," Cyborg sighed, still dealing with the immense headache.

It is time for you to return to the clutches of your pathetic friends," he said, his voice edgy and deep. Raven stood up, and slumped over a bit to show her stomach was in pain from lack of food. "I have already sent a tougher robotic army out to occupy your friends for my cover," he said, his right arm on her right shoulder guiding her up the steps and out a doorway of the house. Slade randomly punched himself in the middle of the scene. The director had a fit.

"What in the name of…shit…was that!" the director called.

"A twitch?"

"A muscle spasm, is a twitch. Deliberately punching yourself in the face, is unheard of and ridiculous!"

"Well, look at it this way boss, at least I'm not punching _you _in the face," Slade freshly remarked.

"Even so, one more stinkin' time of that nonsense and I'm replacing you!"

"_ No!_" Raven shrilled. The director gave her a cold look, "no…no…no we aren't having an off screen relationship that will end badly. O.x " Once again, Slade punched himself in the face.

"What the hell is wrong with you people! Can't you just fucking act without all the stupid drama!" the director shouted, flailing his arms.

"If you think that's weird, you should take a look at Star's…thing. Now _that _is something I would worry about as a director. Especially for some certain later scenes to come," Raven hinted at. A long silence followed her comment.

"Well, that's it. I quit. This production is going on a fucking hiatus. If I come back, and give you assholes a second chance, you will be the luckiest worst actors I have ever seen!" the director screamed before storming out and slamming the door behind him.

"We're bad actors?" Slade cried.

"Ha! Not as bad as your face!" Raven laughed.

"That was harsh, man."

Slade once again, did himself the honors of punching himself on the temple.

-xXx

"Here." Slade stated.

"Here what?"

"Here."

"Here what?"

"Here."

"Here what?"

"Here."

"Here what?"

"HERE!"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Raven screeched.

"Eat this."

"Eat what?"

"Eat this."

"Eat what?"

"oh not this again."

"what again?"

"ARE YOU AN IDIOT!"

"Maaaaaaaybe."

"Whatever. Drink this." And he gave her an opened bottle of alcohol.

"ok." Raven looked at it. "Hey, can I have a script?" she called out to the director.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" the Co-director called. The other one having left. (see previous paragraph)

"I just need a script."  
"YOU'RE AN ACTOR!"

"Act_ress_"

"What ever. You should KNOW your lines!"

"Well I DON"T!"

"You're fired!''

"What! You can't do that!"

"Yes I can."

"Well. Who's gonna replace me?" she slyly said.

The new director thought for a minute.

"STAR! GET UP HERE!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Tre

Slade slept soundly on the couch. He thought a lot, but that's nothing new, eh? He was sound asleep when he Teen Titans Collector's Item, 1 year anniversary alarm clock went off, sounding out the Titans Music Theme. He woke with a start and looked around. The little digital time clock blinked eight. As a chime, he heard a stupid little robin yell, "Titan's, GO!" eight times. He snarled at it and got up, ready to break it in half.

"I'm out! Robin, I'll distract him, you take him out!" Raven ran into the other room, blind, knocking into the wall many times. She ran into the room where Slade was.

"Argh! Git out yer sword, matey!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Slade stared at her.

"Nothing. I just always wanted to say that. And, I'm here because Robin said the super duper top secret code for when there's danger afoot!"

"You mean, Titan's go?"

She gasped very heavily. "No! How do you know that?!"

"It's a world known fact."

"Oh! No! The drama!"

"Drama?"

"Shut up while I'm doing this part!"

"Right then…"

"Oh, no!"

"Raven, SHUT. UP."

"Okay, what am I doing here?"

"I have no clue."

"OH!" she turned to the workers behind the camera and clapped her hands twice then held them open. They threw her a small cylinder and threw him one too. She stared at it.

"What is this?"

"It's from Wal Mart!"

"Oh boy! A Wal Mart toy! How exciting!" she stared at the worker who spoke.

"Well, take it and fling it!"

Raven threw the cylinder into the wall. "Now what?"

The worker slapped his hand to his head. "No. Like this." He demonstrated for her and thrust out the cylinder away from him. A stupid little green sword popped out.

"Oh! It's from Star Wars!"

"No, it's from our highly advanced technicians; they have created this new looking saber. You have a green one and he has a red one."

"It's from star wars. Now shut up and go. I'm the actress; you're the stupid wannabe who well, never mind."

Raven turned to Slade and brought out her green light saber. He brought out his red one.

Slade's black toy plastic Vader Wal Mart mask was over his Slade Teen Titans pale orange and light gray plastic mask with the white elastic string. "Foooo eieieieieih….Foooo eieieieieh…Foooo eieieieieieh…" he tried imitating Darth Vader. "Raven, I am your father."

"WHAT?!"

"Haaaaaa! I just always wanted to say that!"

"Cuz that would be nasty, considering all the uhh, practice."

"Yea. I know. Now, what are you doing here?"

"I am instructed by Robin to fight you! To kill you! Whatever it takes! You have set up robots to distract us from fighting all together and you'll kidnap Raven! I must find a way to stop you!"

He stared at her.

"What?"

"Wake up. That part passed. We're now in…." he looked at the title of the screenplay. "Raven Leads Slade On."

"Oh. Oops. Hold on. I'll put this away." She walked to the other side of the room and donned her next scene clothes.

She sat on the bed in another set. "Ready!" she called.

"Coming!" He walked over. "Want a beer?"

"Slade, I'm underage. I can't drink, and it isn't cool," she said.

"Yes, but I know how to make it cool," he smiled underneath the Vader mask he still hadn't taken off.

"How?"

"See, by law you can't drink under twenty-one. By drinking you're breaking a law, which is cool."

"Ooh yea! That is cool!" she took the biggest fullest bottle he had. She brought it too her lips but never took a sip.

"Ooh, James Earl Jones, I never knew how attractive you could be without your eye and with that disgusting scar! And, beer is nasty! But, strangely addicting!" She gasped. Slade, er well, James Earl Jones just stared at her. Ready to shoot her. "Did you know that Star isn't female?! Or or or Cyborg isn't really human or computer at all? He's an alien! And Beast boy is in love with me! It's all so funny! He's actually a cow that got the power to morph and has preferred humanity over manatee! And robin…boy was he mad when he saw star didn't have a well, what I have."

"Uh huh. Let's take that away from you."

"NO! GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!" she cried as he took the bottle.

"Shut up bitch and kiss me." He swooped down and kissed her.

She kissed him back. (This is the part where you go awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww person sitting next to you in public school library. Ch-ch- BOOM!)

"Well, you have won. I love you."

"What did I win?"

"I have no fucking clue. But I love you."

He thought for a moment. Was she drunk? Or not? One sip was quick to be drunk.

-xXx

The next morning Raven woke up. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. 'I can see' she thought.

"I CAN SEE!" she jumped up and squealed, twirling around. She ran outside and slammed into Slade.

"For not having a mask on, I'd figure you'd be more coordinated." He said dryly.

"Why'd you take the mask off?"

"Script said so."

"Oh."

She looked at him and wanted to tell him that she hadn't been drunk at all. She'd never even had a sip, which he conveniently overlooked.

Duh duh duhhhhhhhhh!!!


	4. Chapter 4

German Chapter four!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raven slept soundly in her bed, but that was nothing new, eh?

-xSx

"You're free," he said prying the worn teddy bear from her endearing grasp.

"TEDDY!" she squealed, snatched the pathetic stuffed toy from her nemesis. Slade stared at her blankly. How could someone as cunning as she, be so futile and dependent on a teddy bear.

"Sheesh, didn't mean to rock your boat or something. God," Slade spastically punched himself.

"Oh, so this teddy ain't as bad as you hitting yourself?"

"I am mentally disabled, you can rid yourself of that…that…thing."

"Lack of a better word much?"

"Shut up you hoe."

"Ho, ho, ho, Merry fucking Christmas."

"Well let's have a very merry _fucking_ Christmas. You, me, and the video camera."

"On that note, I'm leaving," she said, rolling out of bed in nothing but band aids.

"Ooh, that's kinky. But a bit suicidal much?"

"It's for Beast Boy, not you. Shut up."

"Raaarrrr," he hissed like a cat.

"Oh, hush you puss. No pun intended."

"Hey! Are you trying to imply something?"

"I want sex."

"Really?"

"NO. Now take me outta here before I karate chop your "pee pee" off!"

"Raaarrrr!" And once again, he hit himself.

-qQq

Slade escorted her, blindfolded, to the "O" shaped tower. There was a distraction he set a few miles away to distract the Titans from the tower, so he could dispose of his super horny captive.

"Oh Slade, I wasn't drunk the other night, I was completely sober!"

"…"

"I swear, baby, I love you!"

"…"

"Oh come on, say something!"

"…"

"I'm going to karate chop those dots into your head if you don't actually say something!"

"Raaarrrr."

"…"

"…" T h e E n d. She ending in Titan Tower.

-xXx

Slade was an absolute mess. His work was crap and working out wasn't an interest anymore. He felt himself, and didn't even bother trying to get in bed in the morning. His thoughts were primarily on Raven, indulging in the delicious fantasies of a thirty year old with a seventeen year old teen. Prime rib…filet mignon…rib eye…Raven. All gorgeous pieces of meat he had tasted. He no longer needed to hide behind the mask he had worn for what felt like his whole life, for the mere thought of Raven, his Raven (the one he claimed he didn't rape), banished the thoughts of anything vile against the Titans. Ha, not. Was he hanging up his mask of evil doings? Because now he would only be loving Raven, the one he _claims _he didn't rape. Perhaps, but he wasn't sure himself of what he was doing. Everything seemed so unstable, from his emotions to his plans. For the first time, our favorite villain realized that lust was the most powerful emotion of all.

-aBc

Star came into the room and exclaimed with joy at seeing Raven.

"Raven, oh my dear female friend with a vagina!"

"Hi Star. It's so good to be back."

"Where were you? Where you raped? Eaten? Eaten out?!"

"Slade's. Yes. No. Yes!"

O.O Star's eyes.

"We had quite the adventure. You should try it sometime. Now go, I need to write in my journal…that no one has ever read."

"So you think!...that…uhh…I…_haven't_!...uhh, read. Yeah. Bye!" Star left in a hurry.

Raven wrote about how much she missed Slade, and how that all of the excursions she truly enjoyed them. She fell asleep with the journal open.

-123

"_She misses him?!_" Beast Boy screamed loud enough for the whole tower to hear, after reading the journal.

"Shh!" hissed Robin and Cyborg.

"But the poem, the only thing she wrote on the first page! She misses his welcoming hands in her? What?! Why do you cry when you _miss_ someone!?" Beast Boy angrily stomped around the living room naked, Robin and Cyborg careful not to look.

"Maybe it was about us, and how she missed being home," sighed Cyborg, almost unable to contemplate Raven's supposed feelings towards the team's number one threat.

"It might have been about you," Robin said with a little smile on his face.

"Sure, and she thinks penis is big."

"She could, she is very mysterious."

"Right, but just don't get your hopes up just to loose the erection again," Cyborg commented.

Beast Boy sighed, "Do you guys even think we have a chance?"

Robin and Cyborg looked at each other, and then cocked their heads toward their green friend.

"Ha! You kidding?" the two said together.

"Give her time and space and she may even come to you," Cyborg said hopefully.

"Highly doubt it," Robin said under his breath. Cyborg slammed his elbow into Robin's side, and he yelped in pain. Beast Boy threw the two a look, and got up off the couch to go return the journal to the bedside before she woke up, seeing it was missing.

-dEf

Raven sat her in bed and thought, but that's nothing new, eh? She thought of how to tell her teammates the naughty events that had taken place. But how?

"I had sex, lots and lots of hard core kinky sex that you see in porn movies." She waited until they went out for pizza…

… "Anchovy!"

"Mustard!"

"Pepperoni!"

"Ha, we all know why Star wants that!" Robin said with a gay wink.

"Because it's tasty?" Beastboy and Cyborg fell over laughing nearby. "What did I say, friend? I mere said the rod of pepperoni is tasty!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Cyborg glanced at a Coor's Light ad, "Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah Booyah etc."

"Shut up metal mouth. "

"You shut up you bag of tofu."

"Well you have a tin can."

"Well you have no can."

"Call your cousin,"

"Why?"

"She's not my cousin, Shes my "milf"."

"…"

T h e E N D!!!

For real. Well, until another chapie that is.


	5. Chapter 5

[A/N!]

Steph: Hey Dana.

Dana: Hey Steph =]

Steph: We should update "HFO". The retarded one.

Dana: Oh right! So you mean that original one, right?

Steph: The really stupid one we're co-writing.

Dana: Oh! Riight. Hmmm. It's been a while. What like two weeks? Two months?

Steph: Two years.

Dana: Oh. Well then. We should probably get on it then, yeah? People are gunna thnk we lost our minds then disappeared. When in reality we only lost our minds. O.o

Steph: If they weren't lost before, they certainly will be now. We are 18 and writing about cartoon characters and their sexual problems!

Dana: Ha! This is true We must be sexually frustrated ourselves still. Seesh. Its amazing what two years CAN'T do to us O.o.

Steph: Well either way, lets update. I think I miss the absolute retardedness.

Dana: I agree =D

Steph: Update of two years, here we come!

Enjoy =D

Chapter five.

The pizza came to the tower and the four friends devoured it in about two minutes. Each had two slices and almost swallowed them whole.

"Hey, were we supposed to save some for Raven?" Robin blinked at the empty box.

"Yea…I think so." Tofu mumbled.

"Snooze, ya lose." Cyborg crunched the box into a small piece and threw it away.

"Hey guys, do you that pizza you were talking about?" Ravens black ghosty zombie thingy stood in the corner of the kitchen.

"We didn't get any pizza!" Star cried, obviously lying."

"Sure. Whatever." And Raven floated/drifted/slunk away.

"We have frozen pizzas, my dear friend!" Star flew next to Ravens moving figure.

"You ate all the pizza so I'm not going to tell the group my secret." She glared at Star.

Tofu ran up with a bottle. "We have alcohol!" he desperately squeeked.

"Give me that." Tofu gave her the bottle expectant but he expected the wrong thing. The bottle came flying down and smashed on his head. He slumped down on the ground unconcsious.

"Raven!"

"Cyborg!"

"Raven!"

"Cyborg!"

"Stop it!"

"Stop it!"

"Go to your body!"

"Go get a body!"

"That's cold man. Real cold."

"Not my fault the car crashed."

Robin spoke up. "Raven, you're being totally ruthless and cruel for no reason. Go back to our body and stay there. Im putting you on lockdown so you can't mystically leave your body again."

"Sure DADDY." Raven steamed away to her room.

Star flew to Tofu. "Green midget? Is thoust alright?"

"Oh where art thou Juliet?" Tofu sat up gently, eyes blurred.

"These people are so stupid." Robin hung his head in despair.

"How they ever became fighters, I don't know." Cyborg agreed.

"Don't look at me. I am from Tamaran. I like to learn about your peoples past and history. He is the 'weird-o' I believe as you say, that spoke like that?" star ratted him out.

"Ok, I have news to tell." Raven came out of the closet.

(Not THAT way.)

Tofu was up in an instant.

(Not THAT way.)

"You're telling us?!" Cyborg said.

"Yes."

Robin looked at her with big expectant girly eyes. "Do tell! Spill your dirty nasty little secret!"

The four Titans looked at him.

"What? I wanna know."

"So to begin, Slade tied me up by my hands and feet to the bed posts where he ravashed me everyday."

Tofu collapsed.

"HAHA, jk jk. But he gave me some alcohol, and I got drunk off of the one bottle."

"Damn girl, you some lightweight!" Cyborg said.

"Well, I actually wasn't drunk…"

"Damn girl, you some brains!" Cyborg said.

"Well what happened? Did you get secrets of his? Where he keeps his machines and ideas? Where he trains? What's behind the mask? What his-"

"No Robin. We hooked up."

Tofu collapsed.

"Yea, umm, Raven…Slade…hooking up… ummm… Who's up for a movie night?"

"Me!" Cyborg said.

"Ooh, can we get Titanic?" Star flitted out.

Raven looked at Robin with hurt eyes.

"Bitch, go find your real man."

Robin left.

"Tofu? Will you stay with me?" Raven pleaded for him.

"Fuck no bitch. You hook up with *gag* him but not with me? Jeez what am I? Not good enough?"

"You're green."

. Tofu morphed into a bat and flew out of the room.

-028

He smiled. The four fags were getting a movie. He'd now act the RAPE OF RAVEN.

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ;)

The end until next time.

NOT.

-300

They walked by each self, catergorized by genre. Horror, drama, romance, science fiction…Adult picks. Cyborg stared with his mouth open and drooling. Tofu ran in circles around the section screaming, "I found it! I found it!"

"What did you find?" Starfire asked, holding "Titanic."

"The Rape of Raven!"

Robin blinked once in Tofu's direction and then turned away talking to himself. He wanted Naploean Dynamite. It was absurd stupid and pointless.

Cy stared drooling at the porno.

:)

They ended up getting all four.

But then,

"Raven's gone flatline!" Cy stared in gaping horror at his meter.

Tofu looked at Cy and blinked.

"C ya." Robin left.

"Peace, y'all." Star skipped away singing "_I'm a gummy bear cuz I'm a gummy bear… I'm a yummy tummy funny looking gummy bear. Cuz im a jelly bear. I'm a gummy bear. I'm a moving grooving shaking belly gummy bear!"_

"Yea, bye." Tofu left.

Cy ran after them. "Wait, what?"

"Dude, we have a movie."

"I have Titanic! They diiiiiiie…._ I'm a gummy bear cuz I'm a gummy bear… I'm a yummy tummy funny looking gummy bear. Cuz im a jelly bear. I'm a gummy bear. I'm a moving grooving shaking belly gummy bear_ "

"I miss Raven."

"YOU DIPSHIT- WERE GOING BACK TO RAVEN."

"Oh. Then lets go!"

"YES, LET'S!"

-69

Slade stood in Raven's room. She had her sheets wrapped around her thong, He raised one eyebrow in question.

"Whaaaaaat? Let's see _you_ wear a thong."

"I do."

"Like I needed to know that…" She looked at the monitor. "Well what are you here for?"

"To fuck you."

"No seriously."

"Stand up." Raven stood up.

"Now put on the cuffs." He handed her a pair of pink cuffs with purple fuzz.

She raised her eyebrows in question.

"A little kinky, huh?"

"Only hard core kinky sex."

!!

"You heard me?!"

"I've been eavesdropping the whole time."

-.-

"So what are you here for?"

"To kidnap you. And you in my life!"

"Awww! That's so sweet!"

Raven laid in his arms as he took her away. She thought about how she couldn't even stop thinking about him for days on end. Is he sedeucing me? she thought. She had completely fallen for him, through and through. No joke.

-loz

The four friends burst into the room where Raven lay.

"Nooooo!!!" Tofu yelled. He grabbed her sheets were she did lay and inhaled. He cried and inhaled. "She's gooooone!"

"Get a life and grow up." Robin sneered at Tofu. "And you left the movies at the store!" He whacked Tofu on the head.

Cyborg looked at her empty bed in despair. "Why did we leave her?"

"ITS YOUR FAULT YOU TIN CAN!"

"My fault?" Cyborg retorted, offended. "You're the one who constantly tried to hit on her and make your move!"

"Dude. The bitch is hot, okay? Don't blame me, blame my hormones!" Tofu defended himself.

"Okay, cause that's totally rational. I'll get all up in your bodily chemicals."

"Dude. Leave my chemicals alone, yah? Dude."

"Dude."

"Dude."

"Dude! Stop saying it!" Tofu raised an eyebrow. Robin rolled his eyes and hung his head in the background. He grabbed a bag of opened stale chips.

"Who could have taken her...," he pondered aloud.

"I do have a guess, but I am afraid it is quite obvious."

"DUDE. I totally know who it is!" Tofu exclaimed, throwing his arms up.

"If you do know who, then I will be quite worried," Star pointed out.

"It was totally Edward Cullen." There was a long silence as Cyborg, Robin, and Starfire exchanged looks.

"What?!" they all said in unison.

"Who the hell is that?" Robin asked.

Tofu's jaw dropped.

"You obviously don't read." Tofu stated with a "duh, you fucktard" attitude.

"You obviously haven't read the script!" Cyborg bellowed.

"Correction, you obviously haven't read the script."

"I am worried about you," Star silently stated.

"Worried is an understatement," Robin said rolling his eyes again.

"Honestly!" Tofu pleaded. "There is tiny subtext that says that the Edward Cullen scene could and possibly may be used in the final production!"

"Then why weren't we informed, yah bucket of--."

"Ad lib."

"Ad lib? I'll ad lib something...." Cyborg went to go pummel Tofu in to yesterday when the tower's doors slid open.

In walked in pale perfection. A tall, slender male with broad shoulders appeared. His eyes were richly amber, and his messy, unkempt looking hair was a semi dark brown with light golden blonde highlights. His jaw was pronounced, his most noticeable feature, and his fourth best feature. His shoulders and chest area, his hands, and eyes, were his third, second, and first features respectively. His hair was also uncannily attractive. He was beautiful. He was a mixture of all the world's most wanted features put in to one heart quickening god-like creature. As one looked upon his beautiful body, one could barely resist the fierce urge to rub one's hands on every inch of his nearly translucent skin.

"I am Edward Cullen." The words filled the stagnant air. Starfire released her breath in a long stream. She was mystified by this creation that was sinfully hard to ignore. He looked around at each of them, and pursed his lips. He read their minds, and while he was flattered, he was horrified at the complexity of their simple mindedness.

"Oh my demi-god…" Star gazed in breathless wonder.

"Who is he?" Robin said.

"EDWARD CULLEN!!! …This douche better not get with Raven too…" Edward heard in Tofu's head.

Cyborg demanded, "Who are you?"

Edward Cullen spoke again. His voice was full of dark godliness and was the definition of absolute sex. It was so mysterious and masculine. It was a breathtaking sound of magic and fulfillment. "I told you who I am, you imbecile."

Cy looked at him angrily. "Yo man, who the fuck do you think you are?"

Edward muttered, "Stronger than you, that's for sure…"

"I am a machine! Nothing beats me!" Edward's gorgeous chest rumbled from a quiet animalistic growl in self satisfaction that knowing that the Cyborg was wrong. Edward knew that he, in all his amazing-ness, awesome-ness, godliness, gorgeousness was the strongest organic anomaly on the planet. Tofu ran in to interrupt. And talk to EDWARD CULLEN!!!

"Eddie!" Before Tofu could flinch, Edward had Tofu suspended in the air by the collar. Tofu squeaked and morphed into a mouse. Edward laughed, and bells rang! As frightened as Tofu was, he fell in love with his bell-like laugh.

"Even a human with non-human qualities is still incredibly...stupid. I could crush you right now...."

Tofu winked. "Sure ya could!" and he morphed in to a gorilla, barely fitting in to the room.

Edward sneered a gorgeous sneer when a man and a wolf walked into the room. Tofu immediately morphed into a wolf and sniffed the other wolf's butt. Star headed towards the woman. Robin went to Edward Cullen.

"Why are you here?"

Edward just stared quietly.

"You're in my tower! Why are you here?" Even though he was speaking, Robin couldn't stop thinking about Edward bulging muscles…the curve of his figure as his Armani clothing fitted to him perfectly. His dark hair fell just perfectly to this side, and his hands…Oh how they could grasp Robin's own-

"Dude, could you just please stop thinking about me? It's rather disturbing." Robin gasped, and blushed in full fledged embarrassment.

The two wolves continued to sniff each other's butts. Apparently something smelled pretty good, since they hadn't let go yet.

Star looked at the woman. "You are very peculiar."

Taken aback, the woman retorted, "You're face is from a different world."

Thinking it was compliment, Star exclaimed, "Oh, thank you! I am from Tamaran, and I am pleased to meet a friend who knows I am not from this planet!"

"Fucktard." And Bella walked to Edward and took his hand, which was ice cold. Smiling sweetly at him, she half jokingly said, "God damn you, yea damned vamp."

"Let's not get personal…"

The wolf Tofu was sniffing looked up and ran to the couple. Tofu morphed into human and joined the Titans.

Edward spoke, in his godly, oh so godly voice. "My friend wants to know how you morph with clothing." There was a bit of sting on the word friend, as if he was disgusted from associating the word with the wolf.

"Until he sniffs my butt more, I'm not telling." Tofu protested.

"What are you doing here!?!?" Robin exclaimed, truly upset with the disturbance of the .. odd but amazingly hot.. visitors.

Robin looked at the three and glared. "Who-"

Tofu interjected. "You don't know who he is?!"

"NO I FUCKING DON'T."

"He's EDWARD CULLEN!!!!! Of the Twilight series!"

"Oh those stupid books you keep drooling over."

"They're not stupid!"

"Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahaha! Those books…"

"They're not stupid! Its amazing, it's magical, it's a wonder, it's-"

"Those books are some woman's sick fantasy of a story that should not have been published. She didn't give any character development, she wrote Bella too weak and too in love. And, ridiculously selfish! She is just about to get over Edward and finally fall in love with the other perfect guy and then dumps him for the first one. There is a stupid love triangle that is just…so far fetched I don't even think the werewolf could retrieve it. Vampires are bloodsucking fiends and she makes them pretty. What kind of monster sparkles?! There is minimal true violence, no graphic sex scenes...of which I'm still not sure how the hell the author got away with that..... Those books are the stupidest thing I've ever read. And what's even worse? They have so much potential of being the best romance novels ever written but they're muddled by senseless crap. And who the hell wanted to read Ja...whatever's point of view?! Isn't Edward the main squeeze and Edward the father of Bella's child?! So don't talk to me anymore about your stupid Edward Bella and Jason …Jaden …James…Jared…Jefferey…Justin…"

"JACOB!" Jacob screamed in frustration, squeezing into clothing, trying to stand up in defense of Bella and himself. He flopped over pulling on his pants.

"Yea, him."

Edward's right corner of his lip was pulling up and trembling, and a growl was ripping through his chest. In a blink of an eye had Robin at the throat. The superhuman stood no chance against the fictional vampire.

"Edward!" Bella gasped. "Don't!"

"Talk about Bella that way again and I'll be sure to leave you immobile for the rest of your short, meaningless life...." Edward snarled. He let him go, and Robin fell to the floor clutching his neck.

"You're not...not even real!" Robin wheezed. Edward turned. Robin gathered his courage and yelled at Edward. "How did you even find your masculinity through all that whining in your fourth installment. A real man would have gotten rid of Jacob... permanently."

"You're lucky I'm selfless."

"Bella is lucky she is selfish. She gets the best of both worlds! Infinite _unwritten_ sex with a sparkle-y vampire and a best friend with benefits!"

"Stop critizing my life! Jeez! You're being so rude!" Bella exclaimed.

"You're life?! It's a stupid book! Im still trying to fathom how you're here!" Robin cried.

"Stupid book?! Thank you for saying my life is stupid!" Bella protested.

"You're life? HA. If that's your life then I'm a fairy."

"do not criticize the fairy for she has powers too." Star smiled demurely at Robin. "Robin, we should make friends with our guests. They might have important connections."

"Yea, to the morgue." Robin glowered.

"Or a blood bank," Cyborg snickered.

-?!?

Raven and Slade sat behind the cameras watching the set as the intensity ensued.

"I am so glad that our author allowed us to express ourself sexually."

Slade laughed. "Either way, sex complicates everything."

Raven paused.

"I'm in the mood; wanna go do it in the trailer?" she asked, jumping to her feet.

"The faster we run, the quicker I'll be able to inseminate you."

"Insem...inate?"

"Why doesn't any of the cast read the script?" he moaned.

"Because technically there is none. So...what does inseminate mean?"

Slade grinned.

"Give me ten minutes and I'll show you." Delighted, Raven immediately ran to the trailer to be inseminated.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Seis.

"Okay," Robin sighed, "now that we're done with the weirdest thing of my freaking life...."

"Dude. That was Edward Cullen.... I should have gotten him to bite me!" Tofu exclaimed.

"What? And be like the fourteen year old girls and boys that run around scratching themselves on the neck so that an ACTOR, mind you, can ... lick it?"

"Totally! I mean, he might be disgusted cause I'm green and all...."

"I think the green skin color wouldn't be a problem after getting past your personality." Robin jabbed. Cyborg joined in and gave Robin a high five.

"You guys are totally rude," Tofu exclaimed and then strutted off.

Starfire sat in the distance watching the three go on about Edward when all she could think about was the obnoxious main character, Bella. Then, she remembered a distant character in her own life.

"Hey! Where's Raven?" she called to them, "aren't we looking for her?"

"WE WERE TALKING ABOUT EDWARD!" Tofu calls from the room over. Star rolls her eyes.

"I mean, I guess we should. She is apart of our team." Robin said.

"What team? Raven is always off fornicating with Slade, Tofu is...tofu, you're not much a leader, Star is off finding her sexuality, and I'm stuck in the middle of this freak show!"

"Well boo hoo. Go cry me a river and rust your parts for all I care."

Cyborg starts to shed a tear. "I wish someone would care!" He runs off to his room.

"We should look for Raven," Star reminded Robin.

"We could. But we could also have sex."

"Robin our parts don't...."

"Oh right. We don't match. But I'd go gay for you."

"Would you?" Star's eyes twinkled, "but I do prefer the va--."

"Please Star...for me. I'm giving up my manhood for you."

"After we find Raven. I'll consider it." Robin stood up...literally...in both ways..., and headed for the door. Star smirked and ran after him to find their "lost" friend.

Meanwhile.....

"Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh..." (the mask and condom are on, mind you)

"Oh oh oh Slade...oh oh OH!"

"Rachel!"

Raven stopped him. "Rachel?"

"Sorry, after you die, I'm going to forget about you and go have a Rachel fling."

"Oh...well in that case... Tofu! Tofu! Oh you beast!"

Slade now stopped her. "Tofu? Oh all people, you had to give me the most smallest pipsqueak joke of a man? He doesn't even deserve a penis."

"Well Rachel can go suck your cock in twenty years but for now, give me the attention."

"at least I have twenty more years of sex ahead of me."

"Shut up and fuck me."

"Rawr!"

A tapping tapped on the tap-worthy window. A bird just ducked out of sight and then Tofu's head popped up. He smiled and waved exuberantly like a pedophile.

"What the hell is he doing?" Raven said, again stopping the insemination.

"Shut up you whore. You're the one who called him." Slade sniggered.

"Hey guys! Whactha doin? canoodling, eh? Well aren't you two peas in a pod!" Tofu smiled widely.

Slade glared at the window and immediately stripped the covers off his body. He stood up to his full massive six feet four height and strode to the window. Tofu gasped in slight awe and fear of the mask and his manhood. Slade looked at him sneered and said, "get lost you pipsqueak. I'm inseminating her!" and he pulled the shade down.

Tofu blinked in disappointment. "Well. that was rude." He flicked his hand like a gay and morphed into a bird a flew away.

"Hey guys! I found them! They're in-SEM-in-ating!!! Whatever that means."

"They're what?"

"Idk. Google it."

"Well, considering we don't have a computer here to do so, so --"

Cyborg's eye started to blink, and his facial features became lucid as he rattled off the definition from google, "Inseminate. In-sem-i-nate. Verb (used with object), -nat⋅ed, -nat⋅ing. One: to inject semen into the female reproductive tract; impregnate. Two: to sow; implant seed into. Three: to sow as seed in something; implant: _to inseminate youth with new ideas_."

"Well thank you Mr. Webster! Now that we have a wonderfully detailed picture of Slade and Raven...let's go acquire her.

"Like right now....while she is sweaty from procreating." Cyborg paused to process the request. "Are you insane? Why don't we just park it outside and wait until they decide to leave."

"Wait. The definition that Cyborg read. The seed. What does that seed mean?" Star asked, perplexed.

Robin bluntly said, "When you jiz? That stuff."

"The seed is where babies come from!" Tofu gleefully shouted.

"We DON'T need a bunch of Tofu bunnies running around," Robin said.

"They'd be cute."

"They'd be everywhere."

"They'd be adorable!"

"They'd be annoying!"

"They'd be sweet."

"They'd be terrible!"

"Sweet!"

"Terrible."

"Sweet as Easter candy."

"Well. I'll eat the chocolate bunnies."

"You're a sick man, Robin...."

Robin lifts an eyebrow in confusion. "Okay. Well, we'll follow Definition Man's idea and park it. [in the rear! tee hee]

The four lean against the front of the house waiting for Raven. It appropriately fell back and broke under their heavy weight.

"Heh, oops." Tofu shrugged.

"Uhm yah I have other things to do...," Robin rubbed the back of his neck and ran off.

"Yeah! Like downloading more definitions from Google."

"Hmm. Maybe Bella is around here somewhere...."

"If you can get past Edward!" Tofu screamed after her.

"Getting around Edward won't be too hard. After all, he let her mess around with Jacob."

WTF.

INT. SLADE'S TRAILER - MIDDAY

SLADE

You know we've been breeding quite a while. You sure you're not knocked up?

RAVEN

Yes. I think I would know, after all I'm kinda psychic.

SLADE

You are?

RAVEN

...sure.

Slade gives her a dismissive look.

SLADE

Well go home cause I'm tired, and there is no way in hell that I'm going to be a baby's daddy.

RAVEN

So you're abandoning me and my baby?

SLADE

(in excited astonishment)

So you are preggo?

RAVEN

(nonchalantly)

Sure, we'll go with that.

SLADE

So is there a bun in the oven or not, bitch?

RAVEN

No.

SLADE

You sure?

RAVEN

No.

SLADE

How about now?

RAVEN

Probably not.

SLADE

When will you be sure.

RAVEN

In about nine months.

SLADE

Isn't it a little late by then?

RAVEN

No, that's when you'll get the phone call.

SLADE

That's the wonderful thing about phones; you can hang up and never talk to the speaker again.

RAVEN

You're a terrible sire.

SLADE

I'm NOT a father.

RAVEN

How do you know if I don't even know.

SLADE

Well I don't. But I'll push you down the stairs if you are.

RAVEN

I'm leaving.

SLADE

So soon?

RAVEN

I'm protecting my unborn child.

SLADE

So you're pregnant?

RAVEN

...Maybe.

Slade punches himself in the face, and when he regains consciousness, she is gone. He walks outside and sees the destroyed porch of the set.

CUT TO:

LOL

Raven walked into the Titan's "O" Tower. "Hey peeps. Whats poppin?"

The foursome looked at her in open surprise.

"Raven, dear friend , you are back!"

"Yea?"

"We found you at Slade's house, but then we destroyed the screen porch so we peaced out."

"Oh that was you?"

"Yuppers."

"Hmm."

Tofu looked at her. "So you preggo yet?"

She looked back at him slightly hurt. "Why must everyone assume I am pregnant?"

"Cuz' it's not like you _haven't _been propagating with our enemy!" Robin glared.

"At least I am getting some." She snickered at Star and walked into her room.

"Why must they assume I'm not getting some?" Robin stated.

Cyborg muttered, "Cuz she has a dick, you dumbass."

Tofu got up and ran to the fridge, grabbed two cans of soda and ran into Ravens room.

INT. RAVEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

RAVEN is reading when SLADE comes in through the ceiling.

RAVEN

What the hell? Why did you drop in through the ceiling?

SLADE

I needed to do something different. The window was just so...cliche.

RAVEN

Well you definitely achieved different. Now go away.

SLADE

What, I can't see the mother of my unborn child?

RAVEN

No. She doesn't want you. Besides, there is no child.

SLADE

Are you sure?

RAVEN

Not entirely.

SLADE

How about now?

RAVEN

Possibly....

SLADE

(pauses)

How about now?

RAVEN

(yells)

Would you just shut the fuck up and go away?

SLADE

No.

RAVEN

How about now? Is that convenient for you?

SLADE

No. I want to stay with you.

RAVEN

Shut up.

SLADE

Anywhere you are, is where I want to be.

RAVEN

Like oh my god, get out of here.

SLADE

(like a monologue)

You may wish me away, but I will always be the sun in your day and the moon in your night.

RAVEN

Oh, so you mean the annoying light that won't turn the fuck off? That's totally adorable.

SLADE

Oh Juliet, please let down your defenses for this Romeo.

Raven suppresses a laugh.

RAVEN

If you're Romeo, skip the drama and go kill yourself already.

SLADE

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun--

RAVEN

(cuts off Slade)

If you say that, then I'm going to say I am Tybalt And I kill you, Mercutio.

SLADE

Why do you wish me dead?

RAVEN

You are so freaking annoying.

SLADE

(with intense emotion)

But, I love you.

Raven looks in to his eyes and sees his seriousness. As if his warm feelings melted her cold heart she let her shoulders drop as if defeated. She stands and walks in a direct manner to him.

RAVEN

O Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy leader and refuse thy name,

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I'll no longer be a Titan.

Intense passionate love ensues as they look at each other and he gingerly wraps his hands around her and pulls her in for an intense kiss on the mouth.

CUT TO:

SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER SEE!!!

INT. RAVEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Tofu wipes away a tear from his eye.

TOFU

That was more beautiful than Edward and Bella.

He then walks out of the room sobbing.

THE END...

FOR NOW....


	7. Chapter 7

Episode Seven…

A long time ago, in a galaxy very, very far away…

A pregnant girl in a black cloak walks to the Titan's laundry room in Studio B also named the Titans 'O' shaped Tower. It is Raven. And she is pregnant.

Raven sends out her dark shadowy ghost thing to tell the others she has news to tell. She knows that within seconds of hearing gossip from Raven, they will come running, flying, slithering and stomping to the laundry room.

"Friends… You have stood by me for years… Now I ask you to stand by me for a little bit longer…" Raven rehearses to the empty room.

Her friends come in to the room, all agog and astounded with breathless intakes of air as they await the profound news from their six month pregnant friend.

"Raven! What is the matter?" Starfire asks.

Raven gaped her mouth open a few times like a fish in air. She was nervous about telling them about her pregnancy. Suddenly, she rushed it all out. "Friends…. You have standed by myself for ages. Now I require you stood by my body for a few moments longer… Shit… that didn't come out right. How do I say it….?"

"Just say what you need to say. We'll understand." Cyborg said.

"Well …friends_…_ I'm pregnant."

"So you FINALLY decide to tell us. Don't you think it's a little late?" Beast Boy cried.

"How did you know?" gasped Raven.

"Right, like it isn't OBVIOUS!" Cyborg growled loudly.

"How is pregnancy obvious? You don't about my other secrets! How should you know about this one! It's not like it's staring you in the face!" Raven protested.

"Umm.. Raven…If I may point out…" Star quietly mumbled, "The secret isn't exactly staring _us_ in the face… _we've_ been staring at it for the past three months." Raven narrowed her eyes and flew away. "But we are happy you've finally told us!" Star called to her friend.

-xXx

Slade sat in Raven's bed naked. He had a blanket wrapped around his hard penis and looked all sexy in his oiled body. He accidentally put too much oil on and glistened a bit too much. He reminded himself of Edward when he looked in the mirror before crawling into Raven's bed.

Raven came into the room upset. As she was deciding when to journey back to the laundry room so as to avoid he obnoxious and obvious friends, she caught a glimpse of Brad Pitt lying on her bed.

She gasped and turned around, realizing it was Slade.

"Slade!"

"Come and make love to me, baby!" He said, failing to be sexy.

"Slade… Honey…*cough* I'm PREGNANT"

He looked down at her enlarged belly. "Oh yeah… Hey raven… sweetheart…. When do you turn legal?"

"Why does it matter? We fornicate regardless."

He sighed. As if something were truly bothering him. "I know…But well… I can't help but to think about marrying you. And If I want to do that… Well… You have to be legal."

"How old is legal?" She eyed his hidden penis.

"19? 18? Actually… I'm not really sure. I've been legal for so long, I can't remember."

"Well, I turn 18 soon. Hopefully then. What was it about being legal you wanted to know?"

"Oh, because I figured we might get married. You know, you're knocked up… and I believe you when you say the child is mine, even though you have YET to take a paternity test…" He huffed a sigh.

"Right… because I have been screwing your understudy all the time."

"You might be!"

"You are so naïve."

At this point, Slade kidnaps Raven. However, she willingly went. So… define the _kidnap_ part of that…

-hst

The Titans were sitting in the living room, eating the quail Tofu flew with the day before. Cyborg had followed him and set up traps from him, but Tofu evaded them all. They were all bored.

"Friends! I am here!" Raven said to the oblivious crowd.

Star exclaimed "Raven! OH good! I have missed your delightful pregnant belly! How are you!"

Raven hugged her friend. "I am even larger than I was a month ago!"

"Well duh, Raven…." Robin said.

Raven looked upset at the comment.

"Hey look! It's Slade's slut!" Tofu called out. "Oh, happy birthday!"

Raven looked at Tofu and Robin. "What is his problem?"

"Ignore him. He is jealous. Of what, I don't know." Star shot Robin a look.

"Seriously Star. You better knock of this jealousy thing." Robin left the room, with Tofu waddling out, transformed as a duck. He was clearly failing in his attempt to be regal as his butt waddled more than usual.

"Raven, what did you want?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, I was hoping to get Star to be my witness for my wedding tonight." Raven said.

"Wedding? Who are you marrying? Since when are you getting married? Can I come! I want to wear a tux!" Cyborg cried out.

"Oh. A wedding. HEY ROBIN! They're getting MARRIED. HINT HINT!" Star yelled so he would hear.

Robin called back, "Who would I marry? Raven? She's already knocked up!"

"Why all the emphasis on my pregnancy?" Raven said, saddened.

"They're just jealous" Cyborg said, indicating both Robin and Tofu.

"Well, Star? Will you watch me get married?" Raven pleaded.

"As long as I don't have to participate in the wedding night." Star replied.

Raven smiled and they left to go to the court house.

Tofu looked into the room when he hadn't heard voices for a while. "Robin. They left."

Robin looked up from what he was doing. "I hate Slade! F-first, he takes *hic* Raven…and now Star….Oooh! Tofu! I don't know what to doooo!" he sobbed. "Our team is getting smaller and smaller….!"

Tofu hugged his upset friend. His hand may have slipped and his eyes may have dropped… but Robin was too upset to notice. Cyborg saw it though.

"We're going to pieces…." Robin mumbled.

-g6

Raven and Slade are happy.

-mgw

Raven and Slade are not happy.

"Mofo! Git off my lawn! Yo' crazy dawg got in my yard las' night and I ain't takin' it no more!"

"Yew shut yo crazy mouf you mofo! I kin do what the hell I wanna!"

"I is trying to prep for the next scene! Yo' BITCH is distractin me!"

"My BITCH is doin what she wants to because I said she can!"

"Slade and Raven are in a fight in the next scene and you makin me so mad, I won't have to ACT!"

"You making ME so mad, I may shoot you for real!"

"You making threats to me?"

"I tellin' you how mad you make me!"

"Suck it!"

"Suck THIS!"

"Suck what?"

"Suck THIS!"

"Suck what?"

"Suck THIS!"

"Suck what?"

"Suck THIS!"

"I cain't see nothing!"

"Thas cuz you BLIIIIND!"

"I am NO BLONDE!"

"I never said you wuz!"

…This goes on for a while. Raven and Slade are clearly not happy, and nor are the actors. They haven't been inseminating enough.

"I don' wan no SEX! You bad at it!"

"I ain' bad! You just diseased!"

Raven and Slade's fight was a little different though. They fight about normal things. Like how Raven is missing her friends too much or she wants her old life back. That stuff.

Slade got out of his trailer and stormed over to Studio B. The Titan's Tower. He tore down the green screen fabric for the Communications to the Outside World computer screen and stood in front of it as if he would be there on camera. "Robin, Raven wants to see you all. Here is an invitation."

-dgr

"Ugh, I'm so mad that I got only one R.S.V.P. to my party," Raven huffed.

"Yeah, but within that one R.S.V.P. ALL four of your friends said they could go," Slade snickered, behind her back with an eye roll.

"You always say the more the merrier though."

"This time all the "merry" was in one shot!"

"You make no sense. Even still, whoever did R.S.V.P. will be here in like-."

The door bell cheered.

"—Now."

"Your timing is impeccable…like I thought your period would have…."

"Oh hush. Just get the door and I'll set the table."

Slade slumped over to the door. Once there, he opened it to four teens staring wide-eyed.

"No." Robin muttered.

"Yes?" Slade questioned.

"It can't be…" Star mumbled.

"He's…." Cyborg started.

"Handsome!" Tofu exclaimed.

All four people slowly cranked their heads towards the green buffoon.

"Really Tofu? Really? We've only been here like five seconds and you already spit out, "handsome" to a man?

"Can I be blamed?" Tofu blatantly pointed to Slade's naked, one-eyed, face.

"Uh, thanks. I think. Wait, what? How can you see my face? You see my face? How is that possible?" Slade frantically plastered his hands all over his face at frightening speed. "YOU CAN SEE MY FACE!" He sprinted, leaving the guests and door unattended, to his mask stupidly placed on the floor by the bed. "You really just can't adhere to my face can you?" Slade talked to the mask sitting smugly on the floor.

Meanwhile, Raven heard the racket, and waddled over to the door.

"Friends!" Raven and Star yelled simultaneously.

"Woah. You're like a ball with limbs." Cyborg jabbed.

"You're like a computer with appendages."

"Ha. Ha. Ha…."

"Oh come here guys and give me a hug!" Raven oozed. No one moved. "No one? Not even Tofu?"

"Let's just get this over with," Robin said and pushed into the doorway and entered into an immaculate house.

"You clean this mansion?" Starfire asked.

"Oh hell no. The cleaning crew comes twice a week. Slade had robots for it, but they malfunctioned and started to clean the dog."

"You have a dog?" Tofu burst into happiness.

"No. It died. It was cleaned to death." The look Raven gave was so serious the others had to laugh.

"Anyways," Slade interjected. His mask was on, fit with a protective cushion for his abused right temple, which he just battered with a punch. "Would anyone like some rum?"

(Jack Sparrow: "Why is all the rum gone?")

(It's _Captain _Jack Sparrow. They always forget the _Captain_)

"Oh! I'll get the appetizers!" Cyborg ran past the crowd and found his way into the kitchen.

"Well isn't he the delightful host?" Slade commented.

Tofu started in on a conversation starter. "So…Raven…any good in bed?"

"So instead of wanting the ice broken, you want your face broken?" Slade growled.

Robin narrowed his eyes. "Back off my team members."

"Then tell your team member to back off my wife!"

"Back off your wife and stop knocking her up." Robin mumbled.

"I believe it is perfectly healthy that Raven is pregnant. A couple that exerts that much effort into the "love making" must bear a child, or five hundred." Starfire validated Raven's situation.

"Are you serious? You're defending this sick pedophile?" Robin questioned angrily.

"If there is love, then there is no pedophile."

"I believe you mean pedophilia…." Slade arrogantly corrected.

"Well I think it is pedophilia and you are a pedophile!" Tofu accused.

"I don't think you're a fit match for my team member then!" Robin scowled.

"I believe Raven is free to choose for love!" Star intervened.

"But I believe we should be concerned with Raven's legal safety and SUE HIM!" Tofu said.

Raven rolled her eyes, and turned her attention to the tuna rolls that Cyborg was relentlessly burning in the oven.

"Yeah!" Robin agreed.

"No!" Starfire disagreed.

"YES!"

"NO!"

"WE'LL BE ABLE TO LOCK THIS GUY UP FOR GOOD."

"HE DIDN'T COMMIT A CRIME."

"Stop talking like you left the caps lock on!" Slade said. "I could buy out the courts in my favor anyways. Once again, you lose."

"Lose? Lose like we lost Raven to you?" Robin

"We never lost her, you womanizer! She left…for _good_," Star said getting all up in his bodily chemicals.

"One day she'll see the bright light and come back to us," says Tofu.

"Exactly. Wait, womanizer? What the hell do you mean?" Robin turned to Star.

"You just want her back so you can screw her!" Star cried.

"But…but..that's what I want to dooo… ," Tofu sobbed.

"Ha. That's what I already did," Slade smirked.

"Screw you and your knocked up wife. I'm done."

Robin turns to leave, and Tofu follows. Star stands sad and stiff (tee hee), unwilling to process the dismissal Robin dealt.

Cyborg bounds in with the plate of charred tuna rolls and shoves them in Slade and Star's faces. "Want some fresh tuna? Tofu swam with them yesterday! They're delicious! And I made them myself!"

Slade palms his forehead, and then regretfully punches himself in the temple before exiting stage left.

-xXx

"PUSH! PUUUUSH!" Tofu yelled at Raven.

"Push! You can do it!" Robin supported Raven.

"Come on Raven! Just a little bit more!" Cyborg yelled.

Raven looked down at the TROUBLE board game and as she reached out her hand, she pushed the middle of the game board and the dice went Pop!

Oh, by the way, Raven's baby had been born about three weeks prior.

-xXx

A Thief In The Night

_He looks down at door handle and inserts a picklock. The lock was easy but it was only the first of many traps to the final destination. He opens the door quietly and gingerly steps inside. On the balls of his feet he carries himself up the flight of stairs in a swift motion. It lands him in a grand hallway that boasts three doors on each wall that face the solid wood table set in its center. It has flowers._

_He knows the task ahead of him may be the last mission he leads, so he suddenly becomes religious and prays. He focuses on the window at the end of the hallway, and in his peripheral view he tries to sense the danger. Behind four of the doors, large robots equipped with instant termination reside. In another, lay the dangerous man, Slade. His door is just as lethal as the other four. However, the sixth door holds more value to all the jewels and wealth in the world. _

_There is no obvious door, no sign or marking of the right path. Five out of six doors certain mean great peril. He walks to the center, rationalizing that the farther doors from the center would most likely hold robots set as guards. He looked left and glanced right. The front of the house is too vulnerable for such a precious valuable. He shifted his weight to the left and began to walk toward the center door on the far side of the hallway. His motion would not brake as he entered the room, realizing that in facing death, he could not fear it. _

_He opened the door, and squinted waiting for death to strike…but it didn't. As he opened his eyes he saw in the corner the treasure he had been seeking. He quietly and gently cradled his new possession. He then exited the house on the opposite stairwell, and raced to his motorcycle._

_Two hours later he reaches Plainville and finds a pretty and well kept house on the edge of the city. He then takes his priceless bundle and places it on the doorstep. He lingers for a moment, but then starts his engine for home._

_The next morning the patriarch of the home opens the door to leave for work. "Hey," he calls to his wife¸ "when was the last time you had your period?"_

"_Uh, a month ago?"_

"_Well that's funny. The stork arrived this morning."_


End file.
